I wanted to ask my mother for advice tonight. Between my fingers, I fiddled with the bottle of Antenex. I wanted to know if I should continue taking the medication. I wanted her to know that I have a problem. But I felt almost silly in wanting to tell her about the nightmares. My problems feel so insignificant compared to everything she's been through. It feels so little compared to what my family is going through right now.
My mother thinks I'm a bad person. She's asking me to make an extremely big sacrifice for this family. But I can't comply with her request. If it was anything else, I would have agreed. I can't do what she did. I can't marry someone I don't love. I am not as selfless as she. I can't make that sacrifice. It's not only my happiness at stake, but also my future career. I can't pursue what I want to do in life if I become bound to this marriage.
What's the measurement of goodness? What makes a person good? The amount of charities they do? The number of sacrifices they make? I try to be a good person, I really do. I know I'm not a saint. I am selfish at times but I never thought that I was actually a bad person. So when she told me that she thought I was, I tucked away the pills into my pocket.
She doesn't need to know.
You are NOT a bad person. We all have a life to live. You're making sacrifices for your family now, and just because you want some things for your own life doesn't mean you're selfish.
ReplyDeleteThink about the circumstances that lead to your mother wanting to arrange this marriage. There were things that went on in her life, some decisions she made and some that were made for her that shouldn't have been made. Wanting the same thing for you could send you down the same path that she's taken.
I also want you to realize that your problems are just as important as hers, even if you feel they're not as big as what she's facing. What you're feeling is very real, you deserve to be able to have someone mature to talk to who understands and can give you advice about what's best for you.
Please don't let your parents or anyone else make you believe you're a bad person.