These days, I wake up from dreams smiling. They're strange dreams with no meaning at all. I can't remember the last time I had nonsensical dreams that weren't nightmares. They're not happy dreams but they're not bad ones either. That for me is good enough for now.
Recently, I have been calm and collected again. It's been a while but I feel like I have control over my emotions now. I'm not emotionally unstable anymore. I don't cry at every little thing or feel like I'm crumbling away. I don't feel broken anymore.
Maybe this is partially because of Antenex and partially because I have finally come to terms with myself and others around me. Things are slowly progressing the way I want them. Inch by inch. There are still complications but I'm not worried anymore. I don't know how long this feeling will last but I'm cherishing it while I still have it.
What keeps me going is that this time next year, I will be in Wollongong. I will be living in a sea side city where beaches are within walking distance. I will finally be studying a degree in creative writing. Something, I had dreamt of since I was 11 years old. I will finally be free. But it doesn't mean I'm abandoning my family. I will come visit during weekends and student holidays. I won't ever stop caring about them. This isn't running away like a spoilt teenager. This is me finding my independence.
As soon as I pay my residence fees, I'm telling everyone of my decision.
I'm so happy to hear that you're feeling more stable, and that you're sticking by your decision to move to Wollongong. I know there's a lot of pressure for you to do what your mother wants but it's incredibly important that you stand firm and do this for you. Nice that you'll still be able to visit.
ReplyDeleteThank you Barry. I will stand firm even though this decision was hard to make.
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