I wish I was Katniss Everdeen

A couple of weeks ago, Rachel lent me The Hunger Games trilogy. It took me a while to get back into the habit of reading but I finally finished the first book last weekend and now I've found my pace again and I'm already halfway through book two.

No matter what people say. I am selfish. I know that. I can't be Katniss Everdeen. I don't have her strength or selflessness. I can't marry someone I don't love to ensure the well-being of my family. I thought I was weaker than a fictional character and it's okay because she's not real. But there are Katniss Everdeens in this world. My mother is one of them.

Because, I feel that my situation and worries are nothing compared to the suffering of some people I know, I don't tell my friends anything. Yesterday, I asked my cousin if I could get away with not telling Mark that I would be moving to Wollongong next year.

"Not a chance" He replied. "You're going to bump into him and how are you going to explain that?"

I can't remember the last time I talked to Mark about my life. He promised that he would protect me. But I can't depend on him for happiness. I had to save myself. I had to find an escape myself. Telling him about moving to Wollongong would involve telling him about how I had to endure everything after we broke up. I'm not sure how to do that yet.

April

April to me is the start of a new season. The days are becoming more cold, more windy. I'm writing more now compared to last month where I sat with writer's block. I'm writing every day and it feels great. Everytime I finish a piece, I get a rush of satisfaction. It's so thrilling.

April is National poetry month. I'm also participating in the A to Z April Challenge, where 26 of my poems will be written in alphabetical order. So far it is going great. I love the sound of alliteration so I use it for all my titles. I think X and Z will be a definite difficulty but I'm optimistic.

I can't spend my days wallowing in despair. And I refuse to. Doing these writing challenges makes me feel productive. I haven't written a piece of prose in ages and it's frustrating but I will concentrate on what I can do for now instead of drowning in what I can't.

I am determined to smile brightly every day.