My pillars of strength

When you finally gather the courage to let someone know your fears, it is not so that they can judge you but so that they know that you need help. I have been feeling really well lately despite the issues I still have to face. I decided that tonight was a good night to tell my parents about my chronic nightmares because I wasn't worried about them anymore.

Hand holding the bottle of pills and crying, I told them about the nightmares. I told them I was killed and abused in every way imaginable. My mother's reply, straight out was, ' It's because you're a bad person.' Tears stopped, I looked at her in disbelief. How could she say that when I was openly showing her my vulnerability? She said, 'It's because you're bad to me that you're being punished.'

I felt myself crumbling apart again. But there were people who held me together. My brothers told me that they appreciate what I do for my family. My best friend told me not to listen to my mother, that I'm a good person. Mark, my ex-boyfriend told me that although we don't communicate much anymore, he still cares about me. Mark says that before he met me, he lost faith in humanity but I alone represent what's good about people. I feel very humble and honoured by his words. I don' think I deserve such appraisal but to know that someone thinks so highly of me gives me strength to smile. He told me about someone he knew who committed suicide today. He worries that I would break down from everything that's been going on. He quoted my own words back to me and told me to remember them, 'I may be small but these wings will fly high.' He says that although he worries, he knows I'm strong. I have always been everyone's pillar.

And these people, who care so much about me are my pillars of strength. I admit that I have thought about suicide once but I won't. Running away does not solve anything. I know there are heaps of people who care about me, I won't ever hurt them by ignoring their support and belief in me.

I am grateful that I am blessed to have these people in my life: my brothers, Rachel, Mark, my cousin and blogger friend B.

Last night

Last night, I spent about an hour picking up and putting down the bottle of pills. I so desperately wanted to sleep without the fear of having nightmares that in real life would make the bravest of men tremble. But I worried that I would grow dependent of these drugs. Mark, (ex-boyfriend, best-guyfriend and trusted confidant) said that I should find other means of stopping the nightmares and only use medication as a last resort. My best-friend, Rachel also agreed with Mark but I decided to listen to the doctor and give Antenex a try. One night couldn't hurt right?

Right. Last night was the first time in ages that I went to bed feeling happy. About 10 minutes after swallowing the pill, I started feeling relaxed and a general feeling of euphoria. It was like that one time, I got drunk on tequila. But around 4 in the morning, I woke up, went to the bathroom, came back to bed and couldn't return to sleep. I tossed and turn for an hour before becoming exhausted and drifted off, thinking, 'Is this going to happen every night?'

Antenex 2

This morning, I went to my family doctor about my problem with nightmares. It felt weird to finally verbally admit to someone that I may have a problem. Someone that actually listened, even if it's their job to. A month ago, I tried telling my mother that I've been having chronic nightmares but she shut me down before I even finished the sentence.

My doctor gave me prescription to a drug called Antenex 2. It's supposed to relieve anxiety. I did some research and found that your emotions before you sleep affects your dreams. So if you go to sleep stressed or unhappy, that could increase the chances of nightmares. Antenex is only meant for temporary purposes so I don't know what will happen after I finish them. I know that nightmares are caused by stress and the nightmares add to my anxiety so it's a double edge sword. So maybe, if the medication works, I'll be able to focus to on fixing other aspects of my life.

Nightmares

I'll let you on a secret. Sometimes, I'm afraid to sleep so I stay up as late as possible into the night and watch as the hours go by my window. I'd rather be tired than embraced by the decaying arms of zombies and psychotic murderers. But I always fall asleep somewhere between fear and dawn.

This has been going on for more than a year now. The nightmares come once or twice a month, sometimes 3 or 4 times a month. I'll tell you another secret. Sometimes, I feel like a child again, waking up and crying in distress. I'm a complete emotional mess. My shoulders shake violently and the tears don't stop. And I know it's all just a really horrible dream but my emotions are already in haywire, they don't listen. All they know is that those situations were as real as it could be. There was so much blood. Such graphic scenes. Was the person I was killing really a zombie or my friend from high school?

I'm at my wit's end. I think I'm slowly losing my mind. The line between reality and fantasy are blurring. I can't take these nightmares anymore. They have to end. I don't know how but I have to find a way to put a stop to them. Before I go insane.