I wish I was Katniss Everdeen

A couple of weeks ago, Rachel lent me The Hunger Games trilogy. It took me a while to get back into the habit of reading but I finally finished the first book last weekend and now I've found my pace again and I'm already halfway through book two.

No matter what people say. I am selfish. I know that. I can't be Katniss Everdeen. I don't have her strength or selflessness. I can't marry someone I don't love to ensure the well-being of my family. I thought I was weaker than a fictional character and it's okay because she's not real. But there are Katniss Everdeens in this world. My mother is one of them.

Because, I feel that my situation and worries are nothing compared to the suffering of some people I know, I don't tell my friends anything. Yesterday, I asked my cousin if I could get away with not telling Mark that I would be moving to Wollongong next year.

"Not a chance" He replied. "You're going to bump into him and how are you going to explain that?"

I can't remember the last time I talked to Mark about my life. He promised that he would protect me. But I can't depend on him for happiness. I had to save myself. I had to find an escape myself. Telling him about moving to Wollongong would involve telling him about how I had to endure everything after we broke up. I'm not sure how to do that yet.

April

April to me is the start of a new season. The days are becoming more cold, more windy. I'm writing more now compared to last month where I sat with writer's block. I'm writing every day and it feels great. Everytime I finish a piece, I get a rush of satisfaction. It's so thrilling.

April is National poetry month. I'm also participating in the A to Z April Challenge, where 26 of my poems will be written in alphabetical order. So far it is going great. I love the sound of alliteration so I use it for all my titles. I think X and Z will be a definite difficulty but I'm optimistic.

I can't spend my days wallowing in despair. And I refuse to. Doing these writing challenges makes me feel productive. I haven't written a piece of prose in ages and it's frustrating but I will concentrate on what I can do for now instead of drowning in what I can't.

I am determined to smile brightly every day.

It is another week and another postponed date.

I'm not disappointed.

I saw it coming.

I'm just tired of broken promises.

Self reminder

I think, in my haste to move on, I instead have glued myself to the past.
I have to constantly remind myself that it is okay to go at my own pace. That even though you have already moved on, it doesn't mean I have to also. At least not yet. But it doesn't mean to plague myself with memories and drown. It's okay to take one day at a time.

Memory

When I close my eyes, my mind always go back to that room. Inside your room that was filled with our love. On that day, when I lied curled inside your warmth, I thought that we would be together for a long time. I thought you would never become a memory. I was still innocent then. In a second, everything could change.

Life doesn't give me time to hesitate. I can't keep on reliving memories. I have to walk forward with determination to make up for what I lost. It is only then, that I would be able to control my future.

My pillars of strength

When you finally gather the courage to let someone know your fears, it is not so that they can judge you but so that they know that you need help. I have been feeling really well lately despite the issues I still have to face. I decided that tonight was a good night to tell my parents about my chronic nightmares because I wasn't worried about them anymore.

Hand holding the bottle of pills and crying, I told them about the nightmares. I told them I was killed and abused in every way imaginable. My mother's reply, straight out was, ' It's because you're a bad person.' Tears stopped, I looked at her in disbelief. How could she say that when I was openly showing her my vulnerability? She said, 'It's because you're bad to me that you're being punished.'

I felt myself crumbling apart again. But there were people who held me together. My brothers told me that they appreciate what I do for my family. My best friend told me not to listen to my mother, that I'm a good person. Mark, my ex-boyfriend told me that although we don't communicate much anymore, he still cares about me. Mark says that before he met me, he lost faith in humanity but I alone represent what's good about people. I feel very humble and honoured by his words. I don' think I deserve such appraisal but to know that someone thinks so highly of me gives me strength to smile. He told me about someone he knew who committed suicide today. He worries that I would break down from everything that's been going on. He quoted my own words back to me and told me to remember them, 'I may be small but these wings will fly high.' He says that although he worries, he knows I'm strong. I have always been everyone's pillar.

And these people, who care so much about me are my pillars of strength. I admit that I have thought about suicide once but I won't. Running away does not solve anything. I know there are heaps of people who care about me, I won't ever hurt them by ignoring their support and belief in me.

I am grateful that I am blessed to have these people in my life: my brothers, Rachel, Mark, my cousin and blogger friend B.

Good

These days, I wake up from dreams smiling. They're strange dreams with no meaning at all. I can't remember the last time I had nonsensical dreams that weren't nightmares. They're not happy dreams but they're not bad ones either. That for me is good enough for now.

Recently, I have been calm and collected again.  It's been a while but I feel like I have control over my emotions now. I'm not emotionally unstable anymore. I don't cry at every little thing or feel like I'm crumbling away. I don't feel broken anymore.

Maybe this is partially because of Antenex and partially because I have finally come to terms with myself and others around me. Things are slowly progressing the way I want them. Inch by inch. There are still complications but I'm not worried anymore. I don't know how long this feeling will last but I'm cherishing it while I still have it.

What keeps me going is that this time next year, I will be in Wollongong. I will be living in a sea side city where beaches are within walking distance. I will finally be studying a degree in creative writing. Something, I had dreamt of since I was 11 years old. I will finally be free. But it doesn't mean I'm abandoning my family. I will come visit during weekends and student holidays. I won't ever stop caring about them. This isn't running away like a spoilt teenager. This is me finding my independence.

As soon as I pay my residence fees, I'm telling everyone of my decision.

Days

Slowly the days go by. Day one. Day two. Day three. The number of days we don't speak gradually accumulate on my calender. The paragraphs we used to write have become sentences. One day, we might stop talking altogether.

There used to be days where we spent every waking second talking about everything and anything. Now I'll be lucky if you shared anything with me at all. There used to be days where we used to travel half-way across the state just to spend a few hours together. Just to see your smile. Just to feel your warmth. I miss those moments. I miss our stolen moments together.

Those days are gone now. But I'm sure there will come a day when I won't hurt anymore. A day where I will stop blaming myself for letting go and you for not holding onto me. Because I have accepted that our past is our past. It won't become our future. But I will always remember the way you used to look at me. Nothing will change my memory of your blue eyes. Because it always showed that you loved me.

Question of morality

I wanted to ask my mother for advice tonight. Between my fingers, I fiddled with the bottle of Antenex. I wanted to know if I should continue taking the medication. I wanted her to know that I have a problem. But I felt almost silly in wanting to tell her about the nightmares. My problems feel so insignificant compared to everything she's been through. It feels so little compared to what my family is going through right now.

My mother thinks I'm a bad person. She's asking me to make an extremely big sacrifice for this family. But I can't comply with her request. If it was anything else, I would have agreed. I can't do what she did. I can't marry someone I don't love. I am not as selfless as she. I can't make that sacrifice. It's not only my happiness at stake, but also my future career. I can't pursue what I want to do in life if I become bound to this marriage.

What's the measurement of goodness? What makes a person good? The amount of charities they do? The number of sacrifices they make? I try to be a good person, I really do. I know I'm not a saint. I am selfish at times but I never thought that I was actually a bad person. So when she told me that she thought I was, I tucked away the pills into my pocket.

She doesn't need to know.

Last night

Last night, I spent about an hour picking up and putting down the bottle of pills. I so desperately wanted to sleep without the fear of having nightmares that in real life would make the bravest of men tremble. But I worried that I would grow dependent of these drugs. Mark, (ex-boyfriend, best-guyfriend and trusted confidant) said that I should find other means of stopping the nightmares and only use medication as a last resort. My best-friend, Rachel also agreed with Mark but I decided to listen to the doctor and give Antenex a try. One night couldn't hurt right?

Right. Last night was the first time in ages that I went to bed feeling happy. About 10 minutes after swallowing the pill, I started feeling relaxed and a general feeling of euphoria. It was like that one time, I got drunk on tequila. But around 4 in the morning, I woke up, went to the bathroom, came back to bed and couldn't return to sleep. I tossed and turn for an hour before becoming exhausted and drifted off, thinking, 'Is this going to happen every night?'